Today was a gorgeous day. Fall has finally come to korea, with its clear blue skies and sunny days. It makes me happy just to be outside, breathing it in. Anything is bearable in such conditions. I hope it lasts.
I recently received a letter from Bianca that has made me think a lot about my behavior toward others. She mentioned that she was a big believer in interpersonal chemistry—that who you are depends on who you are with—and remarked that it’s felt off since returning to America. I’ve experienced the same thing but had always chalked it up to reverse culture shock. Perhaps that’s part of it, but I think the majority of my struggle in returning “home” centers around my inability (or unwillingness?) to relate to anyone from my former life. I’m fine with strangers, but with those who are close to me…well, we should all pity them. We all change, all the time, and it can be difficult to readjust—more difficult than making new friends, for instance. Sometimes I don’t want to readjust, either because I’m afraid of falling back into old patterns or because I fear intimacy, and then I make it more difficult than it needs to be. I definitely become a different, and worse, person when I go home. I feel paralyzed. Home is always portrayed as this warm accepting place where you can relax and be yourself, but for me, it’s often very stressful. I feel all these conflicting expectations of who I am and who I should be and I get confused and defensive, even though I know no one really expects anything in particular of me. Worse, I feel myself becoming more judgmental in response to the new distance I feel in my relationships with loved ones. I am more comfortable with anonymity and this saddens me. What deters me from attempting to resolve the crisis in interpersonal chemistry with those I love?
I experienced this problem most recently in Taiwan, when I saw my friend Caitie for the first time in over a year. I didn’t take the interpersonal chemistry theory into consideration at the time—I hadn’t received Bianca’s letter yet—but it definitely came into play in our time together. We’d grown apart, basically, and we both found it difficult to relate to one another. We don’t share the same interests anymore and our world views and philosophies of living had completely diverged. All we had was the past, and I don’t know if it was enough. I think we were both frustrated by the experience. I did learn that in the future, it would probably be best to not meet friends abroad. A reunion is difficult enough—combining it with travel in a foreign country is just too much for me. In retrospect I wish she’d come to Korea—it would have been much easier to enjoy her company in a place where I am comfortable and feel less stressed.
In more cheering news, I received a letter from Lutsha today. It was very uplifting, for once, and it made me really happy to hear he’s doing so much better. I really feel we are doing a good thing here, by giving him money for school, and I was thinking again today that I wish there was a way to do more. On my walk I brainstormed fund-raising ideas for a high school to college mentoring and scholarship program for Khayelitsha students. There’s obviously a need, if my students from two and a half years ago are writing me in Korea for help in attending college. I have a pretty good vision and perhaps I can find a fellowship or something to put it into action. I’ll need to do some research—I’m not sure how feasible all of it is. Basically, I envision a program that high school seniors will apply to be a part of. We’ll work together twice a week—first on college applications, then on job-related stuff. Meanwhile, I’ll recruit businesses that will agree to pay tuition in return for an unpaid internship. (This is the part I’m unsure of—is it economically feasible? Maybe I’d need other funding, but I hate to make it all charity. That’s too uncertain for me.) Students will submit their resumes to the companies, who will then go through the interviewing process and eventually sign one year contracts with the students. The students would have mentors in their departments and would have to keep up their grades and meet with me every once in a while. In the end, the students would have degrees and job experience. Anyway, it’s just an idea. I really want to do something for these kids. They have so few prospects for life. I’ll have to think about this more. Goodness knows I have enough bus time to give it serious contemplation!