I’m starting to lose my mind. Today I accidently taught my first graders the wrong words and only realized it when their worksheet didn’t correspond to what I’d spent 25 minutes teaching them. And then, while teaching my fourth graders some simple words, they had to correct me when I pronounced “han” as “had.” This is not the first time this has happened, either. It’s a humiliating experience to have ten-year-old foreign speakers correct your English. They must really think it’s funny when I try to speak Korean! Ah, well, I’m happy as long as they don’t call me fat.
I’ve actually been really enjoying my kids this week. I feel like I never really see them outside of class and this was making my feel sad and a little guilty…after all, I’m not here to just be a teacher. But on Monday I played around with my club kids for an hour or so before class (usually I just try to ignore them because I am trying to get work done while I’m stuck at school) and it was really fun. I told them all about my crush on Lee Min Ki and we called each other names and drew pictures on my whiteboard. Communication IS possible, even with the youngsters! (These were my third graders.) I usually resent teaching this class because they are so wild and I would rather be home instead of imprisoned at school, but I think our pre-class interactions helped the classroom vibe become more positive. And, of course, candy prizes for Bingo always help!
Today, after the disasters that were my classes, I happened upon my mischievous fourth grade boys and they surprised me by surrounding me and chattering away wildly in all the English they could muster. They were perhaps a bit aggressive and name-calling was, as usual, a huge component of our “conversation,” but I was flattered they were taking time out of their play to bother communicating with me in what is a very difficult foreign language for them. I am reminded that I need to interact with my students much more outside of class. For me, it is rewarding to hear them use the things I’ve taught to try to communicate with me and it reminds me why I am doing my job. And it’s fun to hear the ridiculous things they come up with. For them, it lends a practical purpose to their twice-weekly lessons and, I hope, teaches them a little world culture. But probably they just think I’m strange.
I have been working harder lately because I’ve finally finished the alphabet lessons with the older kids and we’re moving on to beginning reading. It’s a difficult thing to teach a roomful of nonnative speakers, to say the least. It requires a lot of preparation on my part and I’m still far from satisfied with the lessons. I’m often tempted to just give it up—no one MAKES me do it—but I feel compelled to go on. They need to learn to read, and at least I can help them with pronunciation! But oh, it’s difficult…especially when I have trouble pronouncing the words!
I feel a lot more settled this week. Not as despairing, but still melancholy. I often go through these what-am-i-doing-with-my-life-what-does-it-all-mean crises. I suppose I’m too hard on myself, but then again, if I don’t expect a lot from myself, then how will I ever succeed in leading a good life? I am in a position to make a lot of my life and do a lot of good, but sometimes I lose sight of this. Anyway, what is funny with this latest crisis is how strongly it has manifested itself physically. I’ve been feeling blue since the beginning of October, I suppose, but I’ve been fighting it. I have too much to do to wallow in despair. But suddenly at the end of the month it hit me—my back started aching, my appetite became insatiable, my shoulders worked themselves into knots…it was remarkable. Either yoga is teaching me to be more in tune with my body and I am therefore in a better position to notice changes in my body, or I have too much time on my hands, or I have an overactive imagination…whatever the case, I’ve never noticed my body reacting so strongly to stress before. I think perhaps I am pulling out of it, but I definitely need to take some time to seriously think about what I’m doing with this rapidly depleting life of mine.