I find myself in the position of having to swallow my own advice. A friend wrote me last night with job complaints. She was dissatisfied, felt that she wasn’t doing well and was disappointed in her work, and was seriously starting to question whether the line of work was for her. I wrote back, encouraging her to stay positive and give it another chance, to put in one last best effort before she quit in frustration. And as I was writing, it became clear to me that I should be taking my own advice. I’ve allowed myself to become swamped by negativity, to dread each moment of work, to resent the fact that I am actually at work rather than elsewhere. There are almost no ups in my professional life these days. And though I do know it’s at least ninety percent my own doing, due to my negative outlook, I’ve made no effort to change. For weeks now I’ve been counting down the days rather than enjoying my time at school, and time is dragging by with little to no fun to be had for anyone involved. I know it’s not entirely me—the kids are tired of school, too—but I could do much to bring them around. Instead, I am a cloud of black doom. My demeanor screams that I don’t want to be there, which results in less productive, less enjoyable class time, which increases my resentment. It’s a vicious cycle.
Today I decided I must make some effort to resist. And I did try. I usually hate teaching second grade—they jump around everywhere, destroy everything, mock my every word, shout and scream and hit and fight and run, and do their utmost to resist any English I might teach them. I know they are capable, but somehow they manage to learn about half of what the first graders do. Anyway, I managed to make it through the period with smiles and a calm voice. Two periods later, I was worn down and resorting to threats and evil eyes with my demonic third grade class, my second-most hated class. It’s a process, I suppose. I’ll just have to try again tomorrow. But Fridays are so hard…the two periods to freedom are endless and I resent every minute they rob of my weekend. But if I’m unable to change the fact that I have to be there, I suppose I must reform my attitude so it’s not torture for everyone. Why am I so bitter these days? My thoughts are all dark and vengeful…it’s a bit disturbing.