Today was such an emotionally trying and stressful day and I’m not sure why. I almost had a breakdown at school today, for goodness sakes! I don’t know what it is but I suspect that it is simply the addition of a lot of small, bothersome things that of course do not themselves necessitate such a response, but taken together…well, I’ve always been a very emotional person. It’s just interesting that I had this reaction today, the day when Lindsay, our program coordinator, sent us a check-up email that wished us well and warned us that the “honeymoon phase” of cultural adjustment is just about over. I laughed at the time, but maybe there’s some truth to that. Right now, I prefer to think it was just a bad day.
One thing that’s been bugging me is a bit superficial but bothersome nonetheless. There is this little girl in my third grade class who pats my belly and says something that sounds like “baby” every single time I see her…often multiple times in one day. Now, that’s funny and cute for a little while, but considering that I’ve been here for a couple months now and our interactions have not progressed beyond this point, it’s really starting to wear on me. My weight gain is a really sensitive subject and having stick-like little children haughtily remind me that I look like a whale is not really what I would consider a self-esteem boost. Basically, I want to grab her by her little braids and swing her out of Hongsan, Matilda-style. And she’s not the only one…even my bud, I Bin, points to my stomach and says baby. Maybe it’s harmless. Maybe I’m misunderstanding them and/or their intentions. But when that hits me at the end of a difficult class (as many are in first grade nowadays), it’s hard to take. For now I’m just laughing, but there’s only so much a sane yet sensitive person can take. Then again, maybe it’s just time to go on a diet. HA!
Another thing is my school’s increasing unreliability. I don’t know what happened here! I had been warned time and again during Orientation that Korean schools are notoriously unreliable about everything…schedules, canceled classes, vacations, and informing us of everything in general. As soon as I got to Hongsan, I quickly grew to consider myself lucky. They never canceled class, let alone without telling me, and in fact informed me of all schedule changes and upcoming events far in advance. So far ahead of time, as a matter of fact, that it was almost ridiculous. They told me about a picnic we were having an entire month in advance! But that has all gone to shit as of late. Last week, I only inadvertently found out about 10 minutes ahead of time that my third graders weren’t coming, and both last week and this week, the same deal with my fifth graders. Now, it’s not really a huge problem to NOT have class, but it does throw my plans off. Guess I’ll need to learn to be more flexible. I just wish they’d think to tell me. I know it’s hard to communicate with me, but when I am expecting them and preparing a lesson just for them, it’s a bit irritating to have it canceled at the last minute. I’m sure it isn’t meant like this, but it makes me feel like the other teachers don’t think my lessons are important or necessary so it’s okay to skip them, and that my work is inconsequential so I don’t need to be notified before the fact. And it’s startling that it’s only been a recent development. I mean, what happened over Chusok to make them less considerate? And here I am bending over backward to give them back their lessons (the first and second graders), thereby breaking my contract and making much more work for me in the process, and they can’t even inform me that my proposal has been accepted! Two days after I am told, firmly yet definitively, that I can’t possibly teach over twenty hours because the principal is worried about my health (as he always seems to be), my second graders just appear, as if by magic, for their second lesson of the week. Seriously, is it too much to ask? Yesterday, thinking I would be attending a dinner party with the other teachers that evening, I told my host mother I wouldn’t be back until late and called the SK guys to let them know I had to cancel our meeting, only to find the party had already been canceled and they didn’t bother to tell me until I asked! Today was the kicker…I was told this afternoon that about seventy students from a teachers’ college would be visiting tomorrow AND they would be attending my third grade lesson! Grrrrrrrrrrrrreat, they’re only my worst class! And I definitely don’t have time to prepare something special. I’m not worrying about it too much (I mean, I’m not a monkey teacher performing for their entertainment), but I hate that I will be having all those visitors and no one thought to inform me. Maybe I could have planned something a little more outstanding. Maybe not. But at least I would have known! When I vaguely expressed some fears to my co-teacher, he just blew them off, saying that they would only be marveling at my supposed beauty. Come, on, please! They’re also going to be criticizing my teaching, with only the worst example to guide them! I have nothing against the third graders, for the record. Some of my favorite students are in third grade. But they definitely don’t lack for enthusiasm and there are some definite troublemakers in the class. It’s going to be a nightmare to try to keep them in control in front of an audience in particular. Oh, the agony!
I’m also feeling that I don’t have any of this elusive “free time” I was basically promised by Fulbright. The other ETAs are always complaining about just sitting around all the time at school and going through their books too fast, whereas I feel I put in at LEAST 40 hours of solid work per week and barely have any time at home, either. With taekwondo, badminton, and this stupid class I volunteered to teach, I never get home until at least 7, and often eight ‘o clock. Then it’s dinner and family time and before I know it, it’s time for bed! I am definitely not studying Korean anymore, I barely read or knit, and I have a long list of intended correspondence to get around to sometime in the near future. Granted, I choose to be involved in these extracurriculars and I do enjoy them for the most part, but they’re taking up a lot more time than I intended. I was thinking about switching TKD times, taking class from 2 to 3 instead of 6 to 7, but then I will basically lose all my prep time and end up working at home, which I loathe because then I end up feeling like I’m working all the time and don’t have a place to turn it off. (Also, I do love the kids in my class…when I was walking there tonight, they swarmed me about a block away from the studio and I felt like the Pied Piper…) Unfortunately, I might have to start doing that, anyway…I just don’t have enough time at school anymore with my extra classes plus badminton. Today, at least, badminton and my teachers’ class was canceled, so I had some prep time, but I still had to bring some stuff home. (The teachers’ class is another thing that is bugging me…the teachers are so unreliable about coming. The past two times, it’s just been me and this teacher from another elementary school, and she’s not very good at or very enthusiastic about speaking much English, so it’s very awkward. It’s definitely limiting to try to come up with fun activities for one. I wish the class were just FINISHED.) I wish I had more time to spend with my family, now that Eun Ho and Ye Eun are really starting to warm up to me, and I’d also like more time for my “personal betterment activities,” for lack of a better name, but what can you do? I do detest idleness, but there’s certainly a fine balance between laziness and stress and I’ve never been the most graceful of balancers. My lack of coordination, in fact, is definitely holding back my progress in TKD. I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m an idiot, and maybe I am to be taking class with friggin 8 year olds, for goodness sakes! Today we were learning a series of moves—blocks, kicks, and punches in a sequence—and I really couldn’t get it. He kept correcting me on these small things and imitating my weenie punches, while I was ready to walk right out of that studio. I CAN punch, you fool…it’s just punching while turning and making these silly little steps that I can’t do! Is it really a big deal if my punches aren’t great while I’m trying to pick up the moves and rhythm? Sheesh!
At least things are pretty good at the moment. Sure, it’s 10:20 p.m. and I have yet to write the lengthy email response to Ashley that I tried to write earlier today, and I definitely haven’t made any of the CDs I’ve promised people or written anyone a letter in a month or so, but it’s cool. I spent some time correcting papers with Ye Eun and Eun Ho before dinner and I did a little English in a kids’ workbook I have with them after dinner. They always seem excited to see me and I admit that I do adore them. It’s too bad our communication is so limited! I did manage to convey that I was writing in a journal when Eun Ho asked, and for that I am certainly proud. I suppose it’s not really the worst day after all and perhaps I won’t even have to move to Australia.
Also, I think I forgot to mention this earlier in the flurry of recording Bianca’s visit, but my bf definitely brought a can of beer to the picnic. Man, I DO fall for those bad boys…hard!
And…our other cat is missing. That’s one dog and two cats gone in a week. Let’s hope we don’t start losing the animals that actually bring in income!