I know I stay away from Seoul for a reason, but I always forget exactly why until I am left broken and regretful. This weekend was no exception. I’m dramatizing a bit, but still…it would have been much better for my health to have done ANYTHING else. I’m sick and I lost my dignity. The city is clearly not the place for me.
I’ve been plagued by poor decisions lately. I do things that in retrospect make no sense, but at the time I can’t seem to think clearly. I don’t know if the roots of the problem are physical, mental, or even spiritual—is it because I haven’t been sleeping well for quite some time now, or because I’ve been spending too much time worrying and even brooding, or is it because I seem to have been stricken with a spiritual paralysis? Times have been rough lately and I feel dissatisfied with nearly every aspect of my life and for no real reason. I can’t focus, I can’t bring myself to do anything…I’m crippled. But now at least I have an excuse—I honestly think I have a fever (brought on by my poor decision to nix the jacket…apparently, it’s not quite spring yet!).
I don’t even think I want to recount the weekend. There were some good portions, certainly—and indeed they outweighed the bad…check out my WEDDING photo at http://nanta.i-pmc.co.kr/en/nanta/now_today.asp!—but I had such a negative attitude I hardly enjoyed them. I suspect I may have killed any friendship I might have cultivated with Ju Hyeon, which I am a little upset about, if only because I hate the idea of anybody judging my character based on one night’s performance. Yet, what can I do, except attempt to avoid the same pitfalls? Perhaps I need to borrow Colleen’s book on making good decisions…
I’m currently enjoying my last easy Monday. Starting next week, I’ll be teaching first grade, so I’ll have five hours on Mondays instead of the three I’m teaching now. (And up to last week, it was only two!) It’s definitely nice to have some time to ease into the week. Before, I usually had a free period first thing Monday (when we didn’t have assemblies, which was often). I no longer have that and I’m certain Mondays are about to become frazzling. But for now, I have two hours of jazz and email and tea. I’m sad to see them go, but I suppose I must earn my keep. And teaching the alphabet really isn’t that terrible…