It’s definitely time for me to be in bed, sleeping, rather than in bed, typing, as I am now, but since I am going away this weekend it seemed appropriate to say a few things. I have spent most of this week in a frenzy of last-minute travel planning (I’m bad, I know, but why does it have to be so hard to get a flight here?!?) and haven’t had much time to even think about anything else. Though I know I am not nearly as busy as I have been in say, the last six years or so, it’s funny how all the spare time I thought I’d have here in Korea has vanished. Having a real full-time job versus the part-time affair I was led to believe I’d have has, of course, taken up most of my days (and some of my nights, too L). But I think most of it is Betty Friedan’s old theory that work expands to fill the available time. She was using this to explain why housewives could be so tired and overworked, but some women were still able to juggle jobs and housework, I really think it’s a valid theory, though, for I find that I always always always feel busy, no matter what I’m doing. Maybe some of this is my personality, as I am always finding things to keep myself occupied, but I think it holds true for a lot of people. I would always feel ridiculously busy and continuously overwhelmed in college and look forward to breaks, but then those would never be as relaxing as I planned because every day just seemed to fill up somehow. I always had something to do or something I should be doing. My senior year I tested the limits and I think I found where I was doing as much as possible for me because my work started to suffer (not to mention my state of mind). At the time, though, I was taking three very intense classes (and one easy one), writing a 100-page thesis, working 9 hours a week, volunteering for 5 hours a week, running a fundraising club, working out every day, and still working through a book a month. It was actually oddly satisfying to get all that accomplished. Sure, I didn’t have that much time for friends, but I had meals and I made it a habit to go out on Thursday nights. It was probably when I started to go out on weekends that my work started to suffer, so maybe I didn’t hit my complete limit after all. I know it’s probably not healthy to have so much stress and be rush rush rush all the time, but it’s actually kinda stressful to me to be unproductive because then I feel like a worthless slob. At the same time, inertia sets in so it’s hard to motivate myself to do anything. I was always so gloriously busy at Pomona and I actually miss the ridiculous routine. I’m definitely glad to be in the “real” world, but it was nice to have that period of time where I was only responsible to myself and could do what I wanted. It’s a shame I really only took advantage of all the opportunities available to me my senior year. It’s also really strange that friends slipped down in the importance scale at the same time. I am sure there are all sorts of hidden psychological reasons for this withdrawal from normal friendships—being utterly disappointed and rejected by my so-called best friend, my inability to get close to people, etc.—but I was really sick of the friend/party scene there, too. (Isn’t it sad that the two are so linked at my age?) I bought into it for a long time, but after Cape Town I just wanted no part in it. I am still not sure why, because when I was in South Africa I partied like no other. Once I was back, I was just done with being a wild child and I am happy for it. I’m not sure why I got sucked into it in the first place, really. Was I that susceptible to peer pressure? No, I don’t think that’s it. I remember having this sort of personal transition after the whole Dustin thing ended (yes, all the way back in 2000) where I was determined to simply have fun and live more on the edge than I ever did as a straight-edged kid. So I did have some fun, a lot of it, and it all just ended up leaving me hollow and wondering what I was trying to compensate for. Why was it “fun” to drink myself senseless multiple times in a week? I honestly can’t say now, and that’s how I know I’ve really changed in the last two years, because that Jen would have scoffed at me now. So anyway, it was a shocker to come back to Pomona and realize that all my friends were involved in this college partying that I was no longer interested in. Sadly, at Pomona, it defined life for many people. It was only when I stepped away from it that I was able to really take advantage of what was available to me at my school and I’m glad I had that chance before I left. I think a year without having much interaction with my peers helped prepare me for this year, too, though it certainly didn’t improve my people skills!
When I was walking home today, I was thinking how funny it is that I can like teaching so much (and be kinda good at it, too) and not be a people person. I always thought I’d have some kind of job where I didn’t interact with regular people, ‘cause they drive me nuts. I really love working with kids, though, because it’s a different sort of interaction than one with your peers. They don’t really question you (your authority, yes, but otherwise…), they aren’t sneaky, lying backstabbers yet—man o man, I sound bitter!—and they don’t demand much from you personally. Just your time, leave your problems at the door. And I am more than glad to do that. I find that interacting with kids is a time I can let go of most of my frustrations and just laugh. It’s like we have a more elemental connection than I can have with people my own age…we just love each other, no questions, no comments, it’s just simple and there and pure. I’m a better person, I think, for taking the time and losing some of the rough edges of my bitterness around kids, whoever and wherever they are. Too bad they have to grow into pesky adults!