Christmas is more anticlimactic every year. I still remember counting down the days, hardly able to contain myself for excitement, and now it sweeps up on me and then is gone before I know it. I suppose it’s all a part of growing older—most everything seems to pass more quickly these days. Like college…where did all that time go?
At any rate, Christmas in Korea has been kind to me. I spent yesterday traveling to and from Daejeon, trying to find suitable presents for my host family. I tried, but I don’t think they liked them all that much. They were also probably overwhelmed. I don’t think gift-giving is a tradition in my house at least, if not the whole country. My host mother called me Santa and I think she was a little embarrassed they didn’t have anything for me. I wasn’t expecting or needing anything, though, so I hope they don’t go out of their way. We spent some time together this morning eating the muffins I brought back from Costco (my host mother asked if they were “Christmas cake”) and watching TV. I can’t complain…I got more sleep than I ever do at Christmases at home nowadays, with the little bros up-n-at ‘em earlier every year. They all went to church in the morning—my host mother stayed all day—while I took my customary walk, talked to the fam, and did some school stuff. There was a definite absence of the Christmas family time I’m used to, but it’s ok. I actually don’t feel as lonesome as I thought I might earlier this week. Christmas passed like almost any other day, besides the fact that I got an additional day off and calls from both the ‘rents. Yipee!
I feel to worn down right now to even be excited about my upcoming trip. The two weeks of teaching between me and vacation seems entirely too long and draining. I am sure I will become more excited as it draws nearer, but with almost all the planning done and now only the countdown left, I am done thinking about it until January 8, when I’ll have to pack like a madwoman. Good thing I already have appropriate conservative clothes!
I recently finished this book my friend Anurag lent me, Notes from Underground. I am currently immersed in some critical essays about the book which are helping me understand it a little better—my lack of an analytical mind, despite a liberal arts education, is always a hindrance in attempting to read and interpret literature! I still don’t think I like it that much, for all that I loved Crime and Punishment. Perhaps I wouldn’t even like that now. The ideas expressed in it just seem too dark and pessimistic for my current mindset and belief system. The entire book just struck me the wrong way. Dostoevsky seems to be saying that first of all, we are all very much concerned with how others view us. The “hero” of the story views himself as superior to every other character and indifferent to them in their inferiority, but he is constantly acting out in a way to prove, conversely, that he needs recognition from the reader and the other characters. This I can agree with. We all behave differently according to our audiences, and though some claim they don’t care what other people think, we all modify our behavior in anticipation of others’ reactions. Then again, who is to say we wouldn’t do the same thing, anyway? I’m sure psychological studies have been conducted on this question and it is an interesting one, but I won’t contend Dostoevsky this point. What I have a problem with is his apparent contention that we have an inexplicable and somewhat uncontrollable draw toward mean and nasty behavior The “hero” is constantly doing things out of malice and spite, saying that he is irresistibly drawn to acting in that way and it is seemingly out of his control, but I think that’s a flimsy excuse at best. You can choose what you want to do. Behavior isn’t pre-destined but can be controlled by the person in question. He is the one who has taken himself underground in his attempts at aloofness and superiority when it would be much more sensible and productive to alter the things in his life he can change—his behavior, for example—rather than lamenting the faults of others. It’s certainly not his right to pass moral judgment on them and it accomplishes nothing in the end except lead to his ostracization. In short, he seems to be a self-absorbed whiner and in his story I see no universal truths glimmering through. What an optimistic idealist I’ve become, and no one is more surprised than me!