Despite several unsuccessful forays this year, I headed to the Hongsan market this morning for some fruit and my search was rewarded—five crisp apples and a bag of cherry tomatoes are all mine! I think I’ve found a lady with whom to place my loyalty. And man, am I going to miss lazy Wednesday mornings!
Strangely, the cafeteria ladies have been taking good care of me these past few weeks. I’ve been here for a year and a half and either they still hadn’t gotten used to me or they just didn’t care—whenever they served meat, I usually I just got an apologetic shrug and had to make do with kimchi and rice. Wednesdays—designated good food day—were always the worst, because feast is evidently equated with meat here. But not this semester, for some reason. I’ve been receiving special sides—today, for example, I got curry without the meat. I am appreciative, but at the same time, it would have meant more, say, a year ago. Why now? At least I’m not starving anymore, I suppose.
The teachers’ class is still meeting this week. Unfortunately. What do I have to teach these people? I’m sure they could learn more in a half hour of self study, since I don’t even know what they want or need or how to approach it. I really really really detest this part of my week. I hope they’re overtaken by apathy.
….
Now at home on a full belly of popcorn supplemented by dinner. The popcorn’s a little too much like Styrofoam for my taste, but its hint of sweetness is oddly satisfying. And dinner was great—I’m being spoiled for food today!
But not by work. No no no. I think the teachers are beginning to see through my ill-prepared and even more poorly presented “lessons.” And also my teaching in general. At the end I was asked to submit a list of my “classroom English” so they could teach the kids certain phrases so they could understand me and my instructions a bit better. The sixth-grade teacher, said that he doesn’t think his students understand me. I’m sure this is true; however, I still do the best I can to be clear. I point, I gesture, I ask students to explain in Korean (which I can usually understand)…it’s not my fault co-teachers rarely come to help. There’s only so much I can do. In a class of 25 students—and in the case of the sixth grade, 27 increasingly surly and unresponsive students—it’s hard for me to tell if they’re just bored, they’ve mastered the material, they don’t understand, or they don’t care. I appreciate his concern—it’s more than I’ve gotten out of ANY of my 20+ other co-teachers in two years at the school—but it felt a bit like an accusation. Like, it’s your fault they don’t understand. Which, I suppose, it is. I AM the teacher, after all. But then, how can I teach absolutely everything I might say in the course of a year in any given teaching situation, and what’s the point, anyway? Teaching them “turn to page 20” isn’t that helpful. I do know that some of the material is going straight over their heads, but I’m at a loss as to how to help them understand in many situations. How exactly do I explain the difference between “What’s this?” and “What’s that?” to a room full of third-graders? It’s so frustrating! So even though they’re being exposed to more material with the book, I don’t know if they’re necessarily learning anything more because I’m really just not equipped to explain the finer points of grammar to elementary school kids who barely understand how to put together ANY coherent sentence (and certainly do NOT understand the phrase “Be quiet, please”). So maybe I’m going to have assistance in one class, but I have my doubts as to how useful this help will be and there are still seven others to contend with.
So he brings this up, and then there’s a storm of discussion, all in Korean, which I understand not at all except that it’s most likely a general criticism of my teaching. I feel betrayed, hurt, ashamed. I know I don’t always do my very best, but on most occasions I do. It’s really been very difficult for me to muddle my way through with no guidance and no training…just set loose with 200 kids. If the other teachers thought there were problems, then why have they never ever approached me? Why have they never ever tried to help me? I’m really very distraught about this onslaught of criticism. I want to quit RIGHT NOW. But oh contraire…it seems I am still expected to teach summer camp, based on the school calendar passed out to absolutely everyone in the building EXCEPT ME today. I am broken and bitter. Also incredulous.
At least one amusing thing did happen this afternoon, though. Post-attack, I quickly made up a list of my “classroom English,” gave it to the teacher, and was on my way to the bathroom when I was pulled into the fifth grade classroom by the increasingly eager fifth grade teacher. He was sporting a splendid argyle sweater vest today and started enthusiastically taking me around the room, showing me the students’ artwork and some of his own work (I think he’s quite the artist—I’ve caught him sketching in teachers’ meetings and even in my class). Then he came to his point—he’ll draw a picture of me if I teach him English. This actually sounds like an awesome deal to me. I can get a real picture done! But I wonder what he really wants of me as far as English goes…he still didn’t come to class today. Is it just random conversation? Or does he expect me to meet him outside of school? I hope it’s the former…I certainly don’t mind idle conversation. I am just under the general impression that it flusters and frustrates people to talk in English, so usually I am silent. And this outcome is strange, too, because this teacher was initially the LEAST likely candidate for English tutorial of all time, in my opinion. Curiouser and curiouser…