This was not the best of Seoul weekends. I came up originally to “see people”: just about everyone was proctoring this test (because they’re slaves to money) and I was going to spend my time doing something else (like see the country), but then I remembered that we only have a month together now and some Fulbrighters I might not see again. So I yielded to peer pressure and headed north, but in the end, I only saw five other people, two of whom I’ll be spending next year with, anyway. So as far as that was concerned, the weekend was a wash. I was feeling a little down, too...the blues have been striking me periodically and this last week was one of those times. I think I’ve just repressed far too many emotions—it’s not healthy or natural, and when I’m prone to such intense emotions anyway, swallowing them for months can lead to untimely eruptions. I realized this weekend that I’m in need of a lot of love, but at the same time, I do what I can to push it away. In short: a psychological mess. I was happy enough on Friday—I only had to teach two classes and I got up to Seoul early for once, even if I did spend much of the afternoon trying to find a place to stay. There’s nothing like knowing you have nothing in particular to do for two days—hence the cheer. But my peeps (Janaki and Susie) left me Saturday morning for a meeting about their test, and in their absence I grew sad again. So I spent the rest of the day avoiding people. I went to the art museum, the bookstore, a palace, a restaurant, and the river. It was a good downtown tour. The palace (I’d never been to it before) featured a festival this weekend—Korea’s Intangible Cultural Assets Festival. There were a lot of performances, traditional games, and food. It was fun, but a little sad to go by myself. At least I managed to get my first Korean sunburn! I met Paul later for an early dinner and that was nice. He cheered me a bit. One of my former students (a cutie!) called me, too, so I was feeling a little more loved. But then…I was just blue. For no particular reason. I met Bianca and Susie around dusk and we walked around and ate and drank tea, but I was still off. It’s so frustrating when vague depression settles upon you—it’s inexplicable but so hard to lift that cloud off your shoulders! Wallowing is always easier. And so I wallow, usually. And then they left me in the wee morning hours on Sunday, leaving behind profuse gifts: face masks, books, lollipops, bread. I must have cut quite the pathetic figure to warrant that many gifts!
On Sunday, I finally went hiking up Bukhansan (a national park on the northern end of Seoul). First, however, I woke up to Desperate Housewives. (I think this recent trashy TV obsession is another manifestation of my inner turmoil…they’re so emotionally satisfying!) I started walking toward it from our hotel. It took me a while to find a real hiking trail—first it was all roads, then a lame walking path, and finally a trail about two hours into the hike—but it was fun to find my own way, my own adventure. I just walked, up as much as I could, until I found myself on the tippy-top of a rocky peak. It was awesome! Hot, but rockin’. I was equally adventurous on the way back—just went down, and hoped there would be a bus back to downtown (it seemed pretty likely, considering the location). It was a perfect day. I got down just when I planned to and caught an early bus back. I got home just as the sun was setting, sore and hot and salty but happy.
And now, I’m in the midst of another night at home. Some of my old students visited me today (following up on their weekend call, presumably) and that raised my spirits. And on the way home I got the usual big wave from our army guy. It’s sad how that can actually make me happy. My standards ARE lowering…to 50 pound weaklings with shaggy hair. He’s actually a pretty funny sight on that yellow moped, though—I can hear him slow down behind me, and then he turns around, smiles, and waves wildly as he passes. It’s so weird, though…he NEVER talks to me, or even smiles at me, at work. Guess I’m scary.
I’m going away tomorrow—I only teach two morning classes, and then I have Wednesday off, so I’m going to visit Nika at her temple in Naju and go hiking with her and Jonah. It’ll be a nice mid-week break. I don’t know what I’m going to do next week (and the week after, and the week after) when I have to teach full weeks again. I don’t think I’ve taught a full week since March! It’s going to KILL me.